My.
Gods.
I just watched The Best Movie In The History Of Cinema!!!
So these groovy 70s chicks start a rock band and move to LA (man), and the Singer Girl finds her long lost aunt who is rich and wants to give the girl half her money (for reasons that are unclear--get used to that!)...Then Auntie Susan takes the band to a party (where they all immediately have sex with various revellers)...The Mopey Manager Guy who had a crush on the Singer Girl gets to have sex in a Rolls with a porn star, so he becomes less mopey (for a while), and the Bass Player meets a chick who decides to stalk her, and Singer Girl gets off with someone who looks eerily like Luke Skywalker...Then the aunt's lawyer gets mad because Singer Girl is getting half the money, so she gets him stoned and has sex with him so that he won't be mad anymore...The Shakespeare-spouting record producer/host of the party decides that he likes the band, so he makes them huge stars in a 5 minute montage, featuring him grooving on the band's music while Mopey Manager becomes progressively mopier...The Little Drummer Girl does a busboy at the party, but at the next party she meets a boxer (she does him too) but then Busboy comes home and catches them so Boxer tries to run him over in his giant blue convertible...Also, Auntie Susan's old fiance shows up at the party, and they decide that they really are in love after all, so he dumps his new fiancee and they go off together...Meanwhile, Mopey Manager falls out with the Porn Star, so he tries to beat up Skywalker...When that doesn't work, he goes home and date rapes Bass Player...Then he gets really depressed because Porn Star accused him of being gay, so while the band is doing a live TV interview, he takes the opportunity to attempt suicide by jumping from the catwalk onto the stage...He's paralyzed, of course, but then Bass Player finds out she's pregnant with his baby...It's OK though, because Lesbian Stalker Chick convinces her to have an abortion, and then they fall in far out 70s lesbian love...The Crazy Record Producer calls up the Lesbians and Skywalker, inviting them to a private party...So they do a bunch of drugs and then get dressed up in these freaky outfits, with Producer insisting that everyone call him Superwoman...The Lesbians go off for an extraordinarily tepid sex scene, and Producer tries to get it on with Luke, but he's not having any of it...So he hogties him, and during the struggle we see that Crazy Producer Man actually has boobs...So he's a woman, right? Then he kills Skywalker with a big sword...And inexplicably chases his Nazi butler (did I forget to mention the Nazi Butler earlier? I think I did...) out to the beach and chops him up too...Then he runs upstairs and kills Lesbian Stalker by making her fellate a pistol...Bass Player has run away from Superwoman at this point, and calls (no, not the cops) her friends in the band and Mopey Manager to come save her...They all show up (they forget Mopey Manager and leave him in the car to crawl down the driveway to the house) and although the Crazy Record Producer has shot Bass Player in the face, they all overpower him, and he gets accidentally shot and dies...They all realize everybody's chopped up and shot and dead in the house, but it is really OK, because during the fight Mopey Manager realized he wasn't paralyzed after all! Yay! The End!
No, wait, there's an Epilogue!
The Little Drummer Girl and the Busboy, Auntie Susan and Fiance, and Singer Girl and Mopey Manager have a triple wedding! Yay! The End! (For real)
Best. Movie. Ever.
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